25 Things I Have Learned While Out in the Field - Part 1

This year, this fall and winter specifically, I wanted to make an effort to spend more time outdoors doing things that I enjoy. There are a few things that are difficult to do here in West Texas, for example snow-skiing, but one of my greatest passions outdoors is hunting and fishing. Since September 1^st, I’ve been intentional about getting out in the field multiple times a week. It’s not just about shooting boom sticks. Nor is it just about putting food on my table. There is a lot more to it than that.

Recently, one of our higher ups spoke in our manager meeting about experiences he had out while hunting. People that worked for him would come to know that when he came from his trips, he would have ideas, big ideas, on how to move forward and succeed. He encouraged us to get out in the field in the same way. Whether that actually meant hunting or fishing or something different was irrelevant, but what he was trying to hit home was an idea.

“If you’re running into issues and you aren’t sure how to solve them, I guarantee that if you spend some time out and clear your head, the solution will show itself.”

Sort of sounds like something Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, but the statement certainly holds true. Thus, I decided to put together a few things that I have learned while “out in the field.” They are in no particular order, but they apply across multiple aspects of life. They hold true while sitting on a blind chair waiting for birds just as much as they do at that office desk chair or driver’s seat of your car. At least, that’s my two cents on the matter.

1.      Change is generally a good thing – ultimately, change is inevitable. Stuff is going to change at some point for some reason. Sometimes the change is in your favor and other times it is not. Human beings seem to like comfort. Human nature leads us to want to stay comfortable and not move out of our comfort zone. Comfort can lead to stubbornness. “I’ve always done it this way.” When frustration, or boredom, or dissatisfaction, or lack of excitement come our way, we wonder to ourselves, “when are things going to change?” Perhaps the real question is, “when am I going to make a change for myself?” If something is not working, change it. If you don’t like it, change it again. That may mean getting up a moving to a different spot.

2.      Clean your glasses – it’s really hard to see things when your glasses are filthy. I’ve seen some people where I am looking through their glasses and it’s a wonder that they can see at all. Junk all over them. I’m guilty of that as well. Glasses can become a pain to clean now. Many of them come with so many coatings to help/protect our eyes, that it can be difficult to get all of the junk off without special chemicals, cloths, etc. You can get the big stuff off, but there always seems to be a film residue. Dawn dish soap works great for that. Being able to see what’s going on is critical. Having stuff on your glasses can cause all kinds of issues. Headaches. Eye strain. Missing shots. Missing life in general. I remember an old friend of mine who got Lasik and said he spent hours on his front porch afterwards just looking at things. It was amazing to see how much he had really missed.

3.      Don’t be greedy – one of my personal rules out in the field, especially when I am by myself and no hunting dogs is that I only shoot one bird at a time. There are a few exceptions to that, such as if they are all headed in the same direction, or are in the same area, or I am on top of where the first one landed. There is a reason for this, so let me get there. My biggest pet peeve is leaving a bird behind when I can guarantee that I shot it but I can’t find it. I don’t like to leave birds behind and I’ll spend as much time as I can looking for one when most people would quit. I’ll talk about this more later on. For people that have hunting dogs, this isn’t really an issue, but I haven’t trained Chester on retrieving yet. Part of shooting a shotgun involves the follow through. More often than not if you’re missing birds, you’re probably forgetting about the follow through, meaning that you continue moving the shotgun and staying on target even after the trigger has been pulled. Part of what helps me continue my follow through marking the bird after I hit it. Literally, pointing at the ground where the bird fell for a second or two after I’ve hit it. If anything else flies up, unless it is directly in front of me, I don’t shoot. Again, having a dog really reduces this issue in taller grass and smaller birds.

4.      Patience is a virtue. Be still – hunting isn’t the hardest thing in the world, but there is a reason it is called hunting and not shooting. Knowing what kind of hunting you are doing is one of the basic things you need to have out in the field. Seems self-explanatory, but what I mean is that dove hunting is different from quail, and pheasant, and duck, and goose, etc. It is easy to get discouraged when birds aren’t flying over. Or if they are landing 80-100 yards away and aren’t coming in. It’s easy to think, “let’s go sneak up on them” or “let’s rustle some up.” That works for upland birds like quail and pheasant, but not so much with migratory birds like dove. Quail like to be on the ground, and won’t spend much time in the air if they don’t need to. Dove on the other hand, they have no qualms about flying for a good distance, far out of your reach. Knowing that saves you a lot of unnecessary walking and shooting. Sometimes you need to take a moment and stay sitting. Be still. I’m still learning this one.

5.      Sometimes you have to get up early – I love the phrase, “the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” I’ve used that many, many times, but the truth of the matter is that when it comes to hunting, there isn’t a consequence to being the early bird outside of sacrificing a little sleep. Now when it comes to time in the season that is a different story. Getting out early in the season can either be really great or a total bust. I’m not a morning person. I am definitely a night owl and getting up early to go do something I’ve always struggled with. But, sometimes seeing a sunset for the first time after seeing a dozen sunsets can change your outlook on a lot of things. Different stuff happens in the morning, simple as that.

6.      “Expert” can be a fluid definition. Likewise, be humble – Getting advice from people can be tough sometimes. A lot of people, when you ask for advice or for their opinion take it as “I know something that you don’t know” or “let me talk about how great I am at this.” Unfortunately, that leads to a lot of advice from people that really aren’t experts, despite their claims to be. I’ve discovered that experience leads to expertise, and I’ve spoken with too many people that “hunt all the time” and it turns out that they’ve only been once or twice in the last decade. I like to ask questions and get as much information as I can when I’m doing something. Unfortunately, that often leads people to think that I have no idea what is going on. Truly, I just want to get the whole picture. I want to understand as much as I can, start to finish. I want to learn as much as I can to be successful. There are probably a half dozen people that I truly consider as experts that I seek counsel from. Hopefully they know who they are. Otherwise, they probably think that I am just foolish. Likewise, be humble. I’ve had people make comments on the number of birds I’ve downed, or how good my shooting is, or how great of an outdoorsman I am, and my first though is always, “Nope. I can point to that person. They are an expert.” Stay humble.

7.      Asking for permission usually works better than begging forgiveness – obviously the last thing someone wants is for someone else to call the game warden, or heaven forbid, run you off with a gun because of a misunderstanding. I hear the phrase backwards sometimes, “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to beg for permission.” Usually I hear that in regards to making a decision on your own. Doesn’t really work when it comes to hunting laws. Verbal permission is definitely different than written permission. When it really comes down to it, I would rather ask permission every time rather than beg for forgiveness once.

8.      You miss every shot that you don’t take, but it’s still important to know the shots you shouldn’t take – Wayne Gretsky said that first part and I added on the second part. You hear that phrase a lot in sales. I used it this past week during training in fact. It is a great quote that I think functions as an important motivator. However, I think it gets miss used quite a bit as well. As far as sales go, I think people use that in order to push their particular brand or agenda in the wrong way. “I have to talk to everyone, every single time.” Hunting doesn’t work like that, and frankly life doesn’t quite work the same either. Just because you miss every shot you don’t take doesn’t mean that you should shoot everything. Just because an opportunity comes around it doesn’t mean you should jump on it. Wisdom knows the shots and opportunities not to take. Sometimes they don’t make sense. Sometimes they’re just a bad idea. Sometimes you just know you’re going to miss it, so why would waste your time and money jumping on it.

This is only part one, so bear with me for part two. 

Let Love Live

So, if you haven’t really been on social media lately, you may not know that I am having a pretty good month so far. A week ago was my birthday, which was a blast! I am amazed year after year at the out pouring of love from my friends and family, just in celebrating one day. I smile simply thinking about it.

A few days ago, I was selected as Outfitter of the Month at my “job.” I work at Cabela’s, the World’s Foremost Outfitter, and one of the most amazing companies I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. That’s not lip service, that’s the truth. I now have an awesome frame above my desk with my name on it, as well as some pictures with our founders and one of my most recent hunting trips (and favorite bird dog Molly).

The reason I’m writing this post is because of what happened yesterday, when I won $10,000.

Yes, you read that correctly. $10,000.

I wanted to explain my point of view, which I have only been able to share with a handful of people at this time. As always, I pride myself on being open and honest. So, here is the open and honest truth to the last few days. Per usual, another long post ;)

At Cabela’s they say it over and over again, “We’re a different kind of retail.” It’s this idea that we’re not another Walmart, or Sears, or JC Penney, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of those places, but that is not Cabela’s. Our company is built around a culture that focuses on taking care of its employees (known as outfitters). I’m not saying that Cabela’s is perfect in that. Just like any company it has its pain points and struggles, but the fact that taking care of the people that work there even gets talked about is a step above so many other places. Here are a few examples:

• A retail competitive hourly wage
• Commissions on things like Kiosk orders
• Multi-level, huge discounts (which increase after the amount of time you work there)
• After 90 days you are eligible for benefits
• Special discounts which are only available to Cabela’s employees
• Contests, incentives, and other giveaways for selling particular products or completing training

All of that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary at the store. I still remember walking in on my first day to sign my paperwork and thinking to myself, “Wow. I’m really going to be working at Cabela’s.” We opened on June 26^th, 2014. Because Cabela’s is just a bit different from other retailers, every year they have a companywide “Store of the Year” contest. Recently they added the “New Store of the Year” contest, specifically aimed at those that just opened.

With the close of 2014, our store won. Our CEO, COO, and other corporate big wigs (as well as one of our founders) flew to our store to announce the accomplishment in person. It was amazing to see. When they announced it, they let us know that a $10,000 gift card to Cabela’s was going to be the top prize to one lucky outfitter, among several thousand dollars of additional prizes. There was going to be a huge party, with great food, and it was going to be awesome.

As the event grew closer and closer to May 7^th (our party date), I started wondering more and more about what I would buy if I was to win the gift card for $10,000 to Cabela’s. I haven’t really been a “lucky” person in my life, so I didn’t really expect to win the grand prize. Because of my personality, however, I often joked around that they just need to put my name on the check since I was going to win the whole thing anyways. Again, I didn’t really think that. I haven’t won much in regards to drawings, giveaways, etc.

If you don’t know much about me, I’m a bit of a nerd by nature. On Monday before the party, I decided to create a spreadsheet of everything I would buy with the $10,000 gift card if I was to win it. A lot of people at the store were asking, “So what would you buy first?” I really struggled with that question. I had made a list of everything that I wanted, but nothing really stuck out, and I felt really weird about the whole thing.

That’s when I had a bit of a coming to Jesus moment, legitimately. Not to get too “Christian-ey” on you, but I’m a God-fearing man. Trust me, this is not one of those, “Do you know Jesus” posts. Nor is it saying, “If you find Jesus, you’ll win $10,000 too.” That is not at all what this is about, but the truth is that if I didn’t include this, I wouldn’t be telling the whole story. And that’s unfair to you.

Back to the story, I was having issues figuring out what I wanted to buy first. I was probably making a bigger deal about it than I needed to, but it was then that I thought about, “What is in your nature?” It’s a phrase that gets thrown out at Cabela’s all the time. It’s this two-fold idea about what gets your heart beating outdoors, but also what gets your heart beating in life.

I remember sharing one of my “In Your Nature” stories when we first got hired. I discovered that it is in my nature to help people. To be helpful. A friend of mine was not able to afford a new starter to be replaced in her car, so I offered to install it for her, because I had the time and talent to do so. It took me a bit longer than it should have, but I realized that is who I am. I like to help people, whether that is with my knowledge, talents, abilities, or treasures.

As I sat there thinking about what I was going to by first, it quickly dawned on me that I was going about this all wrong. If I was going to win a $10,000 gift card, I was going to follow one of the main pieces of my faith. I was going to follow what is in my nature. Before I bought anything for myself, I was going to give to others first.

I wasn’t totally sure what that looked like. I didn’t know if it was going to be coats for homeless people or shoes for orphans or clothes for single mothers. I had no idea, but I did know that if I was provided the means, I would carry out the work. That was my promise.

All of this transpired into a lot of personal growth over the last few days. I continued to wrestle with what I would donate if I was to win, and it was causing me some anxiety. I was also wrestling with, “well what if I don’t win?” I ended up having some very real, personal prayers and conversations. 

First, I promised that if I won $10,000, I would provide for others before myself. I didn’t “make a deal” with God. That is childish to think. I made a promise. I simply stated that if I won this, here is what I would do and I would do it because of who HE is. Second, if I didn’t win, I simply prayed that I would have peace with that. Third, if I didn’t win, I hoped that whoever did truly deserved it even if they didn’t have the same plans that I did. Lastly, if the person that won was someone I didn’t think necessarily “earned” it, I needed to be at peace with that too. This drawing wasn’t based on merit. It was going to one lucky person.

I shared this with a few people before the party, but not many. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, or talk something up that wasn’t mine.

The party rolls around, and we’re all starting to get food and sit down to eat delicious fajitas. At this time, our CEO and COO wanted to pull the top names for the top prizes. There were five top prizes (all valued between $1000 and $3000, I think). Then there was the grand prize. Six names would be chosen out of about eighty eligible people. Once those six names were chosen, it would start from the “least” valued prize and go all the way up.

They started out the selection round by letting everyone know that they would be getting a $50 gift card to Cabela’s, just for being on the team. Between that and a gift bag with a retail value of over $100 (and free food), that was a good deal.

As I watched and listened to them call six names, I was not any of them. I let out a big sigh and thought to myself, “Well, there you go. I’m okay with that. Clearly it wasn’t for me.” Our CEO and COO then spoke up and said they didn’t think that six was a very good number, so they were going to up it to ten instead, and the other four people were going to get $500 gift cards. Game on!

I was the eighth person called out of ten.

They took all ten of our names and put them in a separate drawing. We all sat down for about half an hour, when the prize drawings were actually going to start. As I sat there for the next thirty minutes I thought, “Wow! I am actually going to win something!”

Half an hour passes and we’re all called back up and asked to line up in order. As they explained how the process was going to work, I looked around at all of the prizes that we were eligible for and I thought to myself, “I am absolutely okay with winning any of these prizes.” The first person whose name was pulled during the selection round was to go up on stage and pull from the top ten names. 

They gave away the $500 gift cards first. I thought for sure that my name was going to be called in those first four drawings, but I made it into the six. That’s when they started giving away prize packages.

The first one was a camping package. A tent, sleeping bags, sleeping pads, etc., valued at a $1000 or more. Again, I thought to myself, “I’d be cool with winning that.” But my name wasn’t called.

The next was an amazing outdoor cooking package. Pellet grill with two bags of pellets, utensils, grill cover, etc., valued at $1500 or more. Again, “I’m cool with winning that.” But it went to someone else.

This continued through with the gun/hunting rifle package (probably around $2000), as well as the gun safe package (probably around $3000 or $4000). That’s when it got very real, very quickly. It was between me and one other person and I was one drawing away from $10,000.

The last package was a hunting package in New Mexico or cow elk. All expenses paid, tags and licenses included, as well as a $300 gift card to Cabela’s, a new hunting rifle, and another gift card. It was a three or four day trip that would also allow you all of the fishing you wanted, and you could bring another person (just to hang out) for $300. I was absolutely cool with winning that.

As they explained the “runner-up” prize, as well as some thanking us for all of our hard work this year, I looked at the other guy and put my hand out. I said to him, “Hey, good luck to you.” I guess it was sort of a good-sportsman kind of thing, but it was me telling myself, “He may win this too, and I’ll be okay with that.” Our CEO pulls the name out of the hopper, reads it, and everyone erupts in excitement. I had just won $10,000 to Cabela’s.

Funny enough, I b-lined past my GM who had the gift card, as well as the $10,000 novelty prize check, and hugged my CEO (FYI, that’s probably not something that happens very often, but it did. I’m cool with it). After they handed me everything, they asked me for a speech, which I wasn’t really prepared for. It took me a few moments to gain my composure, but I started by sharing how I grew up going to Cabela’s. Heading there for weekends with my family, eating at the McDonald’s across the street, and spending all day in the Sidney, NE store (store #1). I then shared my story about what I was going to buy first. I choked up a bit. Flashes of homeless people, single moms, and other people in need flooded my mind. It was overwhelming. Again, I didn’t really know what this donation looked like, but I knew it was going to happen.

I spent the rest of the party shaking a lot of hands and getting congratulations. I also got a lot of, “You made me cry.” I apparently am really good at doing that. It’s not intentional. Sometimes I think that happens naturally when you’re open and honest with people. I also spent some time talking with our COO regarding pricing for what I wanted to buy and that Cabela’s would help me out with that. The most “bang for my buck” as it were.

So that’s what happened yesterday, that a lot of people knew about. But (as Paul Harvey would say) here’s the rest of the story…

One thing I didn’t share, because I knew I would start bawling, are two values that my grandfather taught me when I was younger in relation to work. First, always work harder today than you did yesterday. It’s an impossible standard and you’re going to fail at it, but failure is also a part of hard work. Ultimately it is this idea that you never stop going. You never stop working. You never stop pursuing. Never, ever, stop. Second, never leave someone else having to do your job. It’s okay to ask for help, but never leave someone having to pick up your slack because you decided to be lazy. I take those two principles with me absolutely everywhere I go. I am always striving to learn more, be more, do more. I would rather break because my body and mind cannot physically handle anymore versus breaking because it was too weak to take on anything to start. I wanted to share that, but I didn’t, because all I would think about is how proud my grandfather would be, and subsequently how proud my parents are. I pride myself on my work ethic, and when I am recognized for that hard work, it fills my heart to the point of bursting. I almost cried several times yesterday when people congratulated me, and spent time talking about how hard I work. That grabs my soul.

Another thing that I didn’t share is that after I got home yesterday, I spent some time weeping. Yes, 

weeping. Like I said earlier, this whole thing has been incredibly overwhelming. $10,000 is almost double my first year of income when I got out of college. For some people, $10,000 is a drop in the bucket. For me, I’ve never even seen $10,000 in one place. Well I say that. I’ve probably done some cash pickups for more than that, but I digress. All I could think when I got home was, “I can’t believe that I get to do this. I can’t believe that I get to do this.” That’s pretty cool.

The last thing that I didn’t share is the details of our donation. Mandy and I still don’t know all of the details about what we’re going to do, or how it’s going to work, but I’m trusting that we will be guided in the right direction. Here is what I do know, we’re going to be giving to something baby related for sure.

Many of you know (if you’ve read this blog before), that we found out earlier this year we were pregnant and expecting our first child. On February 1^st, we lost our first child. It was a heart-wrenching experience that I’m still working on day to day. This weekend is mother’s day, and I can’t think of a better way to honor our lost child than a donation in their name.

…all of this because I work at a place called Cabela’s. You don’t get that anymore. That is amazing, I don’t care who you are.

Like I said, we’re still working out the details, and I am hoping to finalize who we are donating to and how much by Monday. Look for that soon!

Thanks to everyone that reads this, following our story, and sharing life with us. I love being able to do this and to see the outpouring of love and compassion from the people that surround us.

1 John 4:7-8 “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

"They Died."

There is a part in Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium where Mr. Magorium is talking to Molly about death. I used that excerpt at a friend’s funeral many years ago, which went something like this:

In Shakespeare’s ‘King Lear’ at the end of Act V, King Lear dies. Shakespeare, this brilliant author and composer of literature that changed the world as it stands today, who influenced so many parts of so many things, writes “He dies” on the page. That is all that he can come up with. There is no fanfare, or choice words, or incredible rhetoric that he writes. He simply writes, “He dies.” And you’re frustrated, because you expected something more than just “He dies” but you realize that you’re truly frustrated because the character that you have been bonding with and learning about in the pages before, is now gone. And all that is left is the memory that character. That is what is truly meant by “He dies.”

All that is left is memory. All that we are left with is the memory of a little one; a child that was greatly awaited. There was so much excitement and fanfare over our little jalapeno, gone in an instant.

Mandy and I decided that we were going to write our own story, our own thoughts on everything that has happened with us over the past few months and post it to our blog. I’m probably not going to get everything I’ve been thinking about in this, but I hope I hit on some of the really big things. I expect that many of you have already read Mandy’s post, and if not you should. It is great stuff and is eye opening to me on some of the things I didn’t deal with through this process. So here is my perspective. But I will warn you, it’s probably not for the faint of heart. I also realize in this process, that a few of you are going to get upset. Some of you didn’t know that we were pregnant, and that upsets you. Some of you didn’t know that we miscarried, and that upsets you. Some of you probably thought that we were closer, and something of this magnitude to find out about in a blog post upsets you. I’m sorry. I truly am. If I had the ability, strength, and gusto to call up each and every one of you I would, but this is hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in a long time, so please, cut us some slack. Also note that Jesus, God, etc. will be mentioned thoroughly throughout this post. I do not apologize.

As Mandy puts it, we “pulled the goalie” back in November, meaning that we stopped using all kinds of birth control. We didn’t realize that we would get pregnant so quickly. After having a conversation with some friends regarding how Mandy was feeling, she was encouraged to take a pregnancy test. Turns out, it was positive. Definitively. Mandy was floored, and I was too. Only about a week before she had taken another test because her cycle had not arrived, and the test said negative. Mandy called me at work that morning, told me she was pregnant, and started crying over the phone. I probably sounded cold and disengaged. There was a customer with another one of our employees and I was trying to maintain my professionalism. After I said, “I love you” all professionalism sort of went out the window. I hung up the phone and the customer said, “Do you tell everyone that calls in here that you love them?” A few minutes go by, the customer leaves, and I’ve sort of been staring blankly into space. David, one of my dearest friends, asks me if everything is OK. I look at him and tell him that I am going to be a dad. The news took off like wildfire around the store.

My favorite part of those first few weeks of being pregnant was slipping the announcement into general conversation. If you’ve ever had a conversation with me, you know my sarcasm and dry wit. One of my favorites was when one of my female co-workers mentioned that she was nauseous and wanted to throw up. I asked her if she was pregnant. When she said no, I said, “Well we are.” The reaction was priceless. “Wait, really? Are you serious? Is this another one of your lame jokes?” Yep. That’s the dialogue I’ve created with people.

Fast forward a little bit, and life is going good. I’m getting promoted at work, we are starting a life group, and of course we’re having a baby. Amazing things are happening. Life is going great. Yet, I’m frustrated. I can’t really put my finger on it. At first it starts out as just an emotional thing that weighs on me when I’m not preoccupied. Eventually, it starts to physically show, to the point where Mandy and I are getting into arguments about meaningless things. “I’m frustrated, and I’m frustrated that I’m frustrated,” I said to Mandy, because that makes sense. But, after some time passes, I finally put my finger on it. I’m frustrated because my relationship with my Heavenly Father is broken, and I’m receiving amazing blessings, but I’m acknowledging nothing. I didn’t feel guilty, or ashamed, or anything like that. I was frustrated because I had been wasting time on meaningless things while my life was blossoming around me.

There was still a problem though. I didn’t feel like getting any closer to God. I didn’t want to spend time or energy deepening that relationship. We had just gotten out of fourth quarter and the holiday season. I was tired. I didn’t feel like doing any of it. My attitude and ambivalence frustrated me even more. A few more weeks go by. Many of our friends and family know that we’re pregnant at this point, and all I can think about is my frustration. I’m not thinking about the exciting new life coming into our world. I’m not thinking about my promotion. All I can think about is my irritation. So, I decided that I need to make a change. I stopped praying frivolous prayers, and I got into the heart of the issue. I needed to get back in relationship with my Heavenly Father. So I asked Him, “Father, I do not take this request light-heartedly. I completely understand the weight of this, but I think that it is necessary. Please help me to get back to you. I don’t know what it is, but put something in my life that will draw me to cling to you. Yes, I realize what I am asking.”

That was a heavy prayer to pray and I don’t recommend doing that unless you absolutely mean it. I meant it. How many of you have asked for patience and got your patience tested more than you were hoping for. God doesn’t always just give what we ask for, and if that is how you think God should work, I’m going to be frank and tell you your vision of Him is that of a third grader. He is so much more than that. He is deeper than that. Also, don’t think that because I asked God for a life change that He decided to kill my child. Again, if you think that your vision of God is that of a third grader. I say that in love. What happened is that I asked God to shake some things up. Things were then shaken. The truth is that whether I prayed that prayer or not, who really knows what would have happened with our child. The exact same turnout probably would have happened, but in this scenario, my focus changed. My vision changed. My understanding changed.

We come back from Colorado after spending a few days telling friends and family that we are expecting. That was awesome and I wouldn’t trade those days for anything in the world. Such joy and excitement is hard to find amongst a world filled with tragedy and anguish. We head to the doctor for our first ultrasound and we don’t really see a whole lot. They are able to find the fetal sac, but that is really about it. No heartbeat. The measurements show that Mandy is only about six weeks pregnant, but based on conception and other “determining factors” we were expecting between seven and ten weeks. That discrepancy alarmed the doctors. They scheduled Mandy for more blood work to measure her hormone levels, and a follow up ultrasound.

It was at that point that I remember my prayer from a few weeks earlier and I started lifting this up to Him. It was out of my control. There was literally nothing I could do about it. All I could do was pray and be there for Mandy. A few days go by and Mandy’s hormone levels, which are supposed to be increasing, have become sporadic, both increasing and decreasing. Mandy was a wreck. When she heard that her levels had dropped, she came to the store in tears. We went over to a more secluded part of the store and I just held her for a few minutes while she wept. I felt defeated, but my reaction was the same. “The ultrasound would show any improvement. All I can do is pray. Just let us see a heartbeat.”

The ultrasound rolls around and both of us are quiet. We knew what was on the line here, and this was really the determining appointment. They pull up the screen and there it is, a little flashing/blinking light. It’s the heartbeat. It was amazing. It was relieving. But it was also slow. Instead of the 160 or 180 that is desired, it was averaging more around 100, and the measurements had not increased like they should have in a week. The doctors weren’t really sure what to tell us. They didn’t want to give us false hope, but it was good news. There was about a 50/50 chance at this point.

For Mandy, that was great news. For me, I took it the complete opposite. We had gone from a 0% chance to a 50% chance in one week, but after seeing how slow the heartbeat was, by spirit was crushed. All I could think was that there was only a 50% chance. The heartbeat was only 100. But my prayer of seeing the heartbeat was answered.

After the ultrasound, we went to see Mandy’s primary nurse, who started coaching us and providing supplies for a potential miscarriage. She let us know what to expect, how it was going to feel, options for collecting a specimen for testing, etc. It got very real, very fast. Mandy went home. I went to work, and all I could do was pray.

The next day, Mandy started bleeding. At that point, I had started to give up. My spirit was exhausted. I had spent more than the last week “praying without ceasing” and I was tired. I didn’t have anything left. The Bible speaks of the Holy Spirit praying for you in groans when you have no words. I had reached that point. The only prayer that I could muster was, “God, please keep Mandy safe. Please keep her safe. I know it is going to be painful and awful, but please keep her safe.”

Sunday morning rolls around. Miscarriage. Many people are getting out of church and preparing for the Super Bowl. Mandy was in the bathroom and I was preparing the last of my stuff before I went out of town for work training. When it was over, I went into the bathroom with Mandy to see the specimen she collected for genetic testing. I was floored. If you know much about Mandy, she is very type-A, OCD, clean-freak sort of person. There was a lot of blood. The toilet, the sink, the “hat” they had given Mandy to miscarry into. I’m not shy around blood, but this was different. This was heavy. 

A few hours passed and I had to get going for my trip. Mandy parent’s had been in town since Friday evening. Mandy and I decided that with them here, it was OK for me to go for training in my new position. She would be here when I got back.

Driving to Fort Worth was more difficult than I had anticipated. The five and a half hours just dragged by and there were several instances where I almost broke down in tears on the highway. Super safe state of mind to drive in. When I reached the hotel, I grabbed some food and watched the last half of the Super Bowl to take my mind off of everything. I then proceeded to do a little bit of work and watch Netflix. Midnight rolls around and I start to get tired, but I couldn’t sleep. It was at that point where it all finally hit me. I wept for about a half an hour, curled up with a couple of pillows and eventually passed out. I’ve only wept a few times in my life, and they’ve always been in seclusion. I don’t like to cry in front of people, including Mandy. That’s something that we’re still working on.

My best friend Justin ended up coming down from Oklahoma to have dinner with me. That was awesome. If there is one person that has been there for me in all of my struggles (as well as my praises), that is Justin. To have some time to decompress, let out some thoughts and feelings, and begin to sort through all of this was more than necessary. I’m thankful that even in the midst of me shutting down, Justin has known me long enough to know when to push a little harder. I thank you so much for that.

I drive back to Lubbock on Thursday, much more collected this time. I drop a few things off at work and then have three days off before I have to be back in the office. Mandy’s parents were still here, so we had some time together. They ended up leaving on Sunday, and then reality began to set in. Just over a week has gone by since Mandy and I have gotten back to our normal routine. 16 days since the miscarriage. I am now starting to deal with the grief.

The whole time I was in Fort Worth, I kept dealing with a heaviness and pressure in my chest. In the past I had attributed that to anxiety, but I wasn’t really feeling anxious. Being the fool that I am, I chalked it up to drinking too much caffeine and too much sodium from fast food. “Stress and grief over the loss of a child? No that could not possibly be why I feel this way.” I convinced myself that my chest pain was because of dehydration. I didn’t realize it until yesterday when I was lying in bed trying to figure out what was going on. That’s when it clicked and that’s when some more tears flowed. I have a problem with compartmentalization, which is a fancy word for burying stuff deep down until I don’t feel it anymore so that I can go about business as normal. That’s really unhealthy by the way. I don’t recommend it.

Over the past week, I started telling a few people that I work with that we lost the baby. It’s not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation. Hey, how was your trip to Fort Worth? Oh, you know, lost my child. I decided that I would only bring it up to people that asked how Mandy was doing, because otherwise it was too painful to tell them. All I could muster was, “we lost the baby on the first.” I had to leave it at that. After a bit of conversation, sometimes I would tell them about the testing we were hoping to do, but that was about it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it. If I talked about it and thought about it then I had to deal with it. I didn’t want to do that.

Mandy asked me last night how I’ve been doing with all of this. A few people have asked her and in retrospect, I haven’t really talked to her much about it.

The truth is that it comes in waves, but in general I’m not doing very well with it at all.

I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not frustrated or upset with God about any of this. But I’m sad. I’m really sad. I feel like a rock was shoved into my chest and I have to find a way to get it out without it causing any more damage. The fact is that I’m broken.

What I’ve realized through the beginning of this process called grief is that I didn’t want to deal with any of this because of how frustrated I get with other people. I’m not sure why, but a lot of people feel obligated to try and offer some sort of advice when they hear news like this. I think that the purpose is to try to console you, but for me I often find it unhelpful and upsetting. This is not every case. Generally the people that have experience this I find more consoling than the people that have not. The way that I wanted people to respond was, “I am so sorry. What can I do for you?” Or something to that extent. Instead, I got a lot of responses that were unhelpful, even if they were grounded in truth.

“Well, you’re young. There is plenty of time left for you to try again.” I am young, but that doesn’t help me with the fact that I just lost a child. We have to wait at least three to six months before trying again, and even if we get pregnant right away that is another nine months. That is over a year more of waiting. This isn’t American Ninja Warrior we’re talking about here. Just come back next year. Train harder. It doesn’t work like that.

“My sister/daughter/aunt/mother miscarried three times and then had four boys.” This one I’m a little less of a stickler on. But, the reality is that all I hear in this is that since we’ve already miscarried once, it is probably going to happen a few more times. I don’t know if I want to go through pain like this again and again. We’re also not planning on having four kids of our own.

“It’s God’s will.” I think what you meant in saying this is something like “God has a plan” which is totally different, and stems back to my prayer I discussed earlier. There is no way in hell that my Heavenly Father “willed” the death of an innocent child. Did He allow it to happen? Yes. Could He have stopped it? Yes. Should He have stopped it? Why are we even having this conversation? Ironically I am probably the one person affected by a miscarriage to not ask why of God. It’s just not a question for me, but I don’t appreciate this question because now I am trying to rationalize who I know my Heavenly Father to be and how He thinks/makes decisions.

“You were only a few weeks along in the first trimester. Most places do not define that as life, so that should make it easier.” Yes, someone did say that to me. No, I did not slap them. I saw a heartbeat and little did I know, but I created a very strong emotional bond with the little child. There was life. Your definition is repulsive and obscene.

I never thought that I would feel so strongly about something that I never physically touched. People talk about the family bonds all the time. It is strong with me and Mandy. We lost a child, and that is a hard reality to deal with. But, it is reality.

We weren’t able to get the sex of the baby. There wasn’t enough DNA in the genetic material to determine sex. That is hard, because we had names picked out. Mandy and I talked about what we wanted to do, and it seemed only fair to list both a boy and a girl name:

Annabeth Rose

Rhett Colton

It breaks my heart to think that I never got to hold you. I never got to console you. I never got to watch you sleep. I never got to dance with you. I never got to hold your hand. I never got watch you fall in love. I never go to hold your babies.

In only a few months so much of a bond had been created that it’s frustrating. Like in my excerpt with Shakespeare, we spent all of this time bonding with and learning about a baby, now gone. All that is left is the memory of this little one. And it’s unbelievably tough when you’re overcome with all of this emotion and you can only get out, “they died.” Now I understand why Shakespeare wrote it like he did. Sometimes that is all that you can muster.

Annabeth Rose or Rhett Colton?

It's been a very roller-coaster 7 weeks.

Some of you know what's been going on but not everyone and I need to get our story out there, even if it doesn't help someone else it will help me. So consider this me selfishly informing you about what's happened.

Christmas was great, Chris and I snuggled by a fire all day and opened our presents and played games in front of the fire and literally spent the whole day in front of the fire. It was relaxing and going into it I was a bit sad that it was going to be our first Christmas away from family. Then I thought about it more and remembered when we first got engaged and started planning family holiday's I really wanted a Christmas just the two of us so I really enjoyed it this year.

The Sunday after Christmas I had a very busy day planned and was crazy tired and had been told by a few people that I should take a pregnancy test so I did just to appease them. I found out I was pregnant and was completely shocked.

We're Pregnant! Already in love with our little one!

I was so excited and it explained why I was so tired and not feeling so well. Mornings were great but about three hours after I woke up I ended up feeling sick and eating didn't make it better so I spent a lot of time on the couch not doing much. I called the Dr. that next Monday and they scheduled me to come in on the 9th to do my blood and urine test.

8 Weeks - Baby is the size of a Blueberry

We went home on January 2 to spend time with our family, celebrate Christmas, and tell them that we were pregnant. We had a family photo shoot with Chris' family and got to break the news to them at the end. The photo's are super cute and it was so much fun breaking the news to them and getting it on camera. We got to tell my family with Christmas presents which wasn't as exciting because they all apparently expected it but it was still great to tell them.

So after we got home I had my first appointment with the nurse and that next Monday they called and said my progesterone levels were low so they just wanted to supplement until week 12 when the placenta is fully formed and the pregnancy can maintain itself. I got some free stuff which was exciting and my mama and I talked and I got What to Expect When You're Expecting on my Kindle. My clothes were really starting to feel snug at what was about 8 weeks along so I went and got a totally cute red and black maternity skirt. My first ultrasound was scheduled for January 22 and I was super excited for it and crazy anxious to finally see our baby. I'd been feeling like crap for a long time so I couldn't help but want to see the baby to give a vision and reason to all of that.

9 Weeks - Baby is the size of a Kidney Bean

10 Weeks - Baby is the size of a Blackberry

When we finally got to our ultrasound and I was so excited. They finally got a good picture of the sac and saw what looked like a fetal pole but the baby was only measuring 5 weeks 6 days, the doctors had me at about 10 weeks but I was expecting around 7 weeks. They were concerned about the discrepancy in dates so they ordered another round of blood work to check and make sure everything was progressing. The doctor didn't call me back the next day like they said they would so I went and picked up my results from the lab myself and while they had increased they hadn't increased as much as I thought they should have so I had a really bad feeling but couldn't get a hold of the doctor until Monday. Once I did they called me in for another round of blood work to check how things were going. The next day they called me and told me that my blood work decreased and it was supposed to be increasing. The nurse told me about the options that laid before us and said we'd wait until our ultrasound in two days to know more. I had a total mental breakdown.

Thursday our ultrasound came around and it felt so somber. We had so many people praying for us and while I was really sad I knew that we really had no control over what was going to happen. I had a vision earlier in the week that we'd see the same fetal pole but with a heartbeat this week so I had been praying for that. I got so excited when we saw the baby again, and they detected a heartbeat. They measured it and I'm pretty sure that they measured the baby growing only 2 days over the last week and they even got the doctor to come in. He agreed that it was indeed a heartbeat but it was weak at only 100 bpm. He looked at us and said, "We just don't know, you've got a 50/50 chance at this time. We have no idea." I started feeling better and was really happy that we got to see the heartbeat.

My parents were planning on coming in town Friday night trying to beat to winter storm that was rolling through and staying through the week because Chris had to travel for training for his new job at work. At noon on Friday I started bleeding and was so grateful that my parents were headed into town. After 47 horrible hours I finally miscarried. We sent off our baby for testing to find out if there were any chromosomal abnormalities and if not then we could at least find out the sex of the baby. Unfortunately the test came back with too little fetal DNA so they couldn't tell us anything, not even the gender of our baby. We had names picked out so that once we found out we could name our forever lost baby instead of just calling it our little jalapeno. I know years ago when women lost their baby they had no idea and if this were that day and age I'd be OK with it but knowing that we had a chance to find out and still weren't able to know just makes it all that much harder.

Instantly after miscarrying I felt a lot better, clearly I had some major healing to do physically but I felt better than I had in 48 hours. Now that we're two weeks out I'm amazed at how much better I feel. I feel like myself again, albeit a grief stricken version where I'm not sure if I'm going to be happy or sad, but I'm not exhausted anymore, I'm not sick all the time and I feel a little guilty for finally feeling better and feeling like my normal self again. But the truth is for those six weeks I knew I was pregnant I was the best mom I could be for our child, I prayed for our baby daily. I kept thinking nothing in life really is as important as growing a human being. It changed my perspective on life and any challenges we now face as a married couple. I really stopped worrying about the future and thought about how grateful I was to have a baby. Looking back I was so much sicker and way more exhausted than I even thought I was. 

We've been going through a grieving process. I know to some it might not seem like much but to us we lost our baby, our first child and that hurts. I support the cause "Now I lay me down to sleep" and I think they do amazing work but looking at those photos I couldn't help but be upset. They got to hold their baby, they got to get pictures with their baby. I never got that chance, we saw it twice on the monitor and that's it. We didn't get to bury our child and say goodbye to it. February 1, 2015 will forever be the day we lost our baby.

My mom bought us this ornament so we could forever remember our little angel

We always said we would tell our family and friends we were pregnant really soon into our pregnancy so that if anything went wrong or we miscarried we would have their love, support and most of all prayers. I'm so thankful that we had people holding our hands through the muck. This is so hard to go through and talking about it makes me feel better, most of the time but sometimes it just makes me sad. I'm not going to ask why because that's unfruitful. It's just part of our story now and I'm thankful for our friends and family who have prayed really hard for us over the past couple weeks and we'll gladly take prayer for healing over the next who knows how long.
We have to wait 3-6 months before we're allowed to try again which throws us into spanning medical years and it would have fulfilled our deductible and had a majority of the pregnancy covered thanks to our amazing health insurance but that's not the case now. A really hard part for me lately has been people telling me that one day they'll tell me their story of infertility but honestly I don't feel infertile and science doesn't tell me I'm infertile. We lost our baby and 20% of all pregnancies end like this so if you're in that same group as me know that I love you and understand the pain you're going through!

So Annabeth Rose or Rhett Colton, we'll never know but you'll always be our little Jalapeno and we will know that you were loved even for the short time you existed in our lives.

Awesome Sunglasses for a Cause

I love instagram. I didn't buy into it for a long time but now I love it! I've been finding local shops that I love and even shops from far away. It's been a great way for me to find causes to support and small businesses that I love supporting, especially since most of them are work from home moms!

I found this super awesome company Subsidy Shades that sell an amazing selection of sunglasses and all their proceeds go to support adoptions. You can read all about their story of going through now 2 adoptions, and if you know anything about adoptions they are not cheap.

Chris and I have a passion to adopt and a passion to support others who adopt. I know it can be a long and arduous process, especially if you go through the process of foster to adopt like we're planning on.

I got myself a pair of Crystal Audrey Shades, the black and white ones and started posting pictures on Instagram which of course I shared on facebook. 

My sister-in-law saw them and fell in love so she ordered a few pairs herself!

I think the purple ones are her favorite and I think they look great on her :-) I highly suggest you check them out and find a pair of sunglasses for yourself. They come in this super cute box with a soft sided case, and my pair had a super sweet note from them in it.

If you check out their instagram feed you see that they have some great styles for valentines day if you're still looking for a gift, they have shade for little kiddos and you can check out their hashtag #adoptionislove to see more pics of people wearing their shades, and more of their adoption story and others adoption stories.

I know you'll love them, their heart and passion, their desire to better the lives of other children, and their shades :-D